Brace yourselves for hard times people!

HOME INTERNAL MEMO


FROM: FATHER
TO: ALL DEPENDANTS AND RELATIVES
CC: MOTHER
SUBJECT: FOR YOUR URGENT ATTENTION:
FINANCIAL MELTDOWN / COST CUTTING MEASURES

Due to the current economic situation, all domestic rules and regulations have been revised as below and under no circumstance is any violation going to be accepted.
1. The Kitchen and all pantries are declared Restricted Zones. Entry and/or passage shall require express permission from me upon submission of written request. The services therein if any shall be in tandem with your input and usefulness in the family.
2. Breakfast is banned. This matter cannot be discussed!
3. Such food items as rice, chicken, butter, jam, eggs, bread and milk are Restricted. Anyone intending to eat any of such foodstuffs must write to me in triplicate, with three days notice, giving justifications backed by a qualified dietician report as supportive documentation.
4. Watering with hoses is banned. Further, only food-giving plants shall be watered. No lawns or flowers shall receive water. For internal decoration, only plastic and dry-flower arrangements shall be permitted.
5. Bathing in the morning is limited to 5 litres of water per day per person while bathing in the evening is banned unless there are medical reasons. There shall be no flushing of the LOO unless the stink is unbearable!
6. All security lights should be removed with immediate effect. All dependants shall abide by an all-night guard-duty roster I shall make available shortly.
7. No dependant shall entertain friends indoors, far less attempt to offer food, drinks or even music. Those who want their guests to listen to music shall sing for them. No watching the TV except 9.00pm local News 15 minutes ONLY.
8. No one is allowed to talk to officials from police, Council or Court Bailiffs; doing so shall carry an instantaneous penalty of ejection from the House and a further excommunication from the family.
9. Anybody who breaks a glass, furniture or any other property in The House, shall immediately have to seek temporary employment somewhere to earn money to replace such broken item(s). Up to and until the damage is fixed, you shall not be allowed to use any house facilities as well as the shelter.
10. All visitors intending to spend a night / week or more shall apply in triplicate and give two months notice, with an endorsement from their town Mayor, Village HeadmanImam or Church Priest, giving convincing reasons why they can't stay at their homes. Failure to do this shall result in their being turned away, at the gate, upon arrival

THESE RULES ARE BINDING AND NOT SUBJECT TO ANY DISCUSSION WHATSOEVER!!!